Over the past four years, I’ve come to realize, through a ton of different experiences, that my life and my journey is exactly that. Mine. It doesn’t belong to anyone else, and that’s what makes me and my experiences all unique. I wouldn’t be the person I am now without all of my own experiences, and I wouldn’t have achieved all the things I have without following the path that is uniquely mine.
This became most evident to me in college. Yes, I have enjoyed a lot of parts of being at school. I have met so many people who have all touched my life, and had so many experiences that I could never have had if I had chosen a different school. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t shake that feeling of not being…attached. I don’t feel like college is a high point in my life. There are a few people I know I will keep in touch with, but I don’t feel like these are the greatest people I have ever met. And the more I think about it, I think I felt the same way about high school. I didn’t want to go to school nearby, I was ready to graduate, to move on.
Don’t get me wrong, the friends I had in high school are the greatest friends I think I will ever have. We keep in touch and there are several that I text every single day. But the whole thing, the place, the feelings, I was ready to leave. Until about March of my senior year, I kind of bounced between friend groups, and I only really had one close friend who I stuck with all four years. My glory days weren’t in high school, and I thought I would find them in college, but I didn’t find them here, either.
I’m hoping this feeling of not-quite-fitting-in and being ready to move on is just the Universe’s way of telling me that the best is still out there, that I haven’t peaked yet. I hope to goodness that this is the case, and for that reason, I am incredibly excited to move on to the next stage of my life.
I also don’t want to wish it away, either. Perhaps, just as in high school, the end of my senior year will bring me lifelong friends. I’m enjoying every last minute I have, but I also know that this is not where my journey ends.
Realizing that my journey is it’s own and that I don’t have to be obsessed with my college experience in order to still enjoy it, I can accept myself and my experiences here at Fordham and not feel bad that I wasn’t a huge partier, and that I didn’t have heaps of close friends and wild and crazy nights. I had fun doing my thing, regardless of how different from everyone else I felt.
Another important thing about self-acceptance is accepting the things that make us different. We’re all different, living different lives and we’re all at different stages of our journey. That’s what is so beautiful about life. In order for the world to work, we all need to operate in different ways so that all the different things that go on every day can happen.
What helped me see this is by seeing everything that made me different. I hated myself for so long for not loving college. I hated the bars. I thought it was wrong that I preferred to stay in and write. But that’s something unique about me. I have a passion and after I stopped caring and started loving that about myself, life got easier and I started making the right friends.
Nothing makes you feel worse than comparing yourself to others, who are all at different stages in their journey. That girl who has so many friends at school, or your friend who already has a job lined up after graduation, or the blogger who’s three years younger than you and already has a huge following. They all have different journeys, none of which are the same as mine. I constantly have to remind myself of this, and have to be thankful for every part of my own.
This was an extremely long and heavy post, which I apologize for, but having it all out of my system is cathartic. Some days are easier and more fun than others, but I am continually grateful for every step in my own journey, and I completely accept it for what it is.